WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a speech to the House of Representatives, George Santos disclosed that he is an M1 Abrams battle tank.
Representative Santos apologized for not previously including his battle-tank status on his résumé, calling the omission a “careless error.”
Describing his many outstanding features, Santos said that he is equipped with two six-barrel smoke-grenade launchers and an AN/VLQ-6 Missile Countermeasure Device.
“The Ukrainians have called battle tanks the punching fist of democracy,” Santos said. “I, George Santos, am that fist.”
In recognition of Santos’s career as an M1 Abrams battle tank, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy named him the chairman of the House Armed Services Committee.